Author: Kelly Huenergardt

I am a born again Christian, who was naturally born in1957 with a congenital heart condition called Tetralogy of Fallot. I had less than 50% chance of survival. Miraculously, I survived two open-heart surgeries in1962 at the Cleveland Clinic, then a pulmonary valve replacement in '00, and a pacemaker in '12 at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester. My husband, Mark, has stayed by my side for these 32 years and we have been given three beautiful children. Having a family has shown me that life is not all about me, my needs, or my own selfish desires. Their sustaining love and support gives me good reason to rise up above my physical circumstances each day. When I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, I experienced a supernatural rebirth that regenerated my defected heart. God excised the rottenness from my heart of flesh to give me a renewed spiritually healthy heart. Such an eventful "rebirth" has transformed this miserable sinner into a beautiful work of grace. God's infallible Word has slowly healed the wounds in my heart that no doctor on earth could find or reach. It is my hope that any words that I write would reflect this healing. May the words of my heart express the wholeness that Jesus offers to all that call on His name.

God showed up, again… 7/20

We had a great 4th of July with friends and neighbors watching our adult kids shoot off fireworks. Our backyard looks out over the golf course, so with the money we all chipped in, they gave us a huge display. The grandkids were too young to fire them off, so they watched the bright colors flash in the night sky. They clutched their ears with every band and boom, even though they wore ear protectors. The next day, they all packed up and drove back to their homes, miles away in other states. I was left alone in the empty house, picking up and thinking of what was next on my calendar.

Another surgery. I began mentally preparing myself to face a total hysterectomy. The last annual check-up with my OB/gyn doctor hadn’t gone well. I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer. The word cancer echoed in my head like a haunting chant. When I talked to my daughters, the elder daughter, Robin, insisted I call the Mayo Clinic, rather than having surgery here in Wichita. I’ve always needed special care. Since I had my third open-heart surgery there in 2000, I had kept up having on-going care in Rochester at Mayo. I was their patient, so they would see me. I just had to decide if I wanted to make the 9 hour trip away from my home in Kansas.

Robin called that Sunday evening to remind me to send my medical records to Mayo. She is persuasive and persistent. (Her persistence helped her get through dental school and open three offices.) On Monday morning, she texted me again. I think she knew that I didn’t want to go out of town. To be honest, I was already tired of the doctor appointments and pre-surgery testing. I didn’t want the hassle of signing the forms and sending the records to Mayo, just to start the process all over again! Surgery was already scheduled in Wichita for August 24th. I was uneasy waiting that long with cancer in my body, but I didn’t think Mayo could get me in any sooner.

Robin called again on Monday night. She wanted to know if I had contacted my doctors in Wichita to send the records. My 30ish daughter was parenting me! I didn’t want to lie or argue with her. I told her that I had not. Robin repeated all the reasons (again) why this was so important. She ended with, “You’ll never know if Mayo can see you sooner if you don’t try!”

That night, I prayed for peace about my decision. When I pray, God speaks in a very quiet way. God reminded me to look at my calendar. On my calendar was an appointment with my Wichita pulmonologist that I had made it 3 months ago. It was for a recheck and I didn’t need to go, but since I hadn’t cancelled it… I had to go.

The appointment went well, and then I told Dr. Abed about the endometrial cancer. I explained the diagnosis was made May 13th, but surgery would not be until August 24th. Although I was hesitant, I mention that I had considered calling Mayo. He agreed with my daughter. His concerned expression let me know that I shouldn’t wait until August. Before I left, I signed a medical release for the Mayo Clinic.

As I was walking to my car, I realized (or God reminded me) that the three doctors’ offices, where I needed to sign releases, were only a half-mile away. This was during the peak of Covid, so going to three medical offices would be an ordeal. I put on my mask, used my hand sanitizer, and brought my own pen to go to each office. Having done that, I stopped by my cardiologist’s office to sign for all the tests they had run. The echocardiogram, pacemaker interrogation, and medical stress test was needed for cardiology to give me clearance for surgery. Like I said, I was tired of the process necessary for this surgery.

Two days after I signed the releases, nurse Anne, from the Mayo Clinic. They had received all the medical records, however, they needed the actual echocardiogram and sonogram, not just the reports. Then she asked if I would like to set up an appointment with the surgeon. A virtual consultation appointment was scheduled for the next Tuesday, on July 14th. This was definitely unexpected!

I wasted no time getting what Mayo needed. I remembered the echo technician, Jason, who performed the echocardiagram at St. Francis hospital. He knew where to find the exact recording Mayo needed and agreed to ship it overnight. By the end of the week, the Mayo Clinic had all records and tests needed from my four Wichita doctors. Everything they needed was in their hands! When God does something, he does it very well.

My appointment was with the head of the Gynologic Oncology Surgery Department. On Google, I learned that the doctor, Sean Dowdy, was one of the most published researchers in the kind of cancer that I had. When I read this, I got chills. It was as if God was right above me. I took a deep breath, looked up, and said, “Well, now you’re just showing off!” I fell to my knees to thank my amazing Heavenly Father who never fails to show up when I really need him.

On Tuesday, the virtual appointment with Dr. Dowdy went well, with nurse Anne on board. My heart condition concerns were discussed. Dr. Dowdy agreed with the diagnosis. I fidgeted at bit before I asked when he would be available to do the surgery. Without hesitation, he simply said as early as that Friday. Not sure that I heard right, I asked him to repeat that he meant that same week! I was stunned. Stammering, I asked if we could make it the week after that, on July 20th.

Now, imagine if my daughter had not pressed me to send my records to the Mayo Clinic. Then, imagine if I had not prayed, because that was when I realized that I had to see Dr. Abed. The appointment was on Tuesday after my “kids” left to go home to Colorado and Kansas City. When they leave, I’m always depressed for a few days, so I know that I would have missed looking at my calendar. I know that God reminded me. Also, imagine how the cancer might have changed over one month, even though the doctors had said that this was unlikely. Honestly, imagine if I had not listened to my daughter. Imagine if I had not trusted God.

Instead, I am healing better than I expected! I ended up having surgery at one of the best hospitals in the country. God gave me the best surgeon I could have found! (Dr. Dowdy said it was the luck of the draw that I got him, but I say… there is no such thing as luck!)

I write this to tell you that God is able to take the worst possible situation and turn it around. When He does something like this, shouldn’t we tell everyone? In the olden days, or in Old Testament stories, an altar was built at the spot where God showed up. The altar was built as a memorial of God’s undeniable work. This is what Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Moses, Gideon, and David did to commemorate God’s help in their life. This is why I write about my memories. God’s undeniable presence and monumental work in our lives should be noted, recalled, retold, and set in stone for all to see!

I believe that God loves to answer our prayers. He constantly cares for us. He wants us to ask Him, prayerfully talk to Him, and keep a dialogue about our needs. And He promises to show up. He will show you in some way, in a very personal way, and you will know that He is there for you.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago.” Isaiah 25:1

“Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.” Psalm 9:10

From Fear to Hope

June 13, 2020

The morning of the appointment, I dressed for confidence. Maybe I could face the doctor with courage. All week, I had been praying, but not sleeping well. By the day of the appointment, I was exhausted. Since important question needed to be asked, my husband accompanied me to be an extra set of ears. I felt his support as we listened to all the information we were given. Nonetheless, when the appointment was over, as we walked to our car, I felt my insides screaming, “Is that all?” Anger filled me until I realized that it was really fear. Fear whispered, “What just happened? Was that was you expected? Now we have to wait all weekend for a word?” The fearful questions created doubt, and the doubt let anxiety take over.

I had hoped this appointment would tell me more about the diagnosis of endometrial cancer. But I left the doctor’s office, feeling deflated. We met, we shared information, but now all I could do was wait for the office to get back with me. This much anticipated appointment was over and I had learned nothing. No surgery date had been discussed. I was told to wait for their next call. Waiting with a diagnosis of cancer is a hopeless feeling. Like hoping for rain while traipsing in the desert, or looking in the sky for sunshine during tornado season in Kansas. I was waiting for hope as cancer corrupted my insides. Meanwhile, as I hoped and waited… the fear and doubt grew with the cancer. This entanglement was eating at me. I had not told our friends and family anything yet, because I wanted something finite to share… like a surgery date!

Instead, all I could share was that I have Stage I Cancer. My husband reminded me of Dr. Morgan’s words. I was lucky. Other patients wished they had what I had. There I sat, mindful that I ought to be content and thankful for a good prognosis, but feeling like exasperated and tired of waiting on God’s timing. The screaming inside subsided. I had to be patient. God reminded me to be patient.

After we got home, I took a good nap, and then woke to find some text messages for me from my daughters and one of their friends, Cheri. This was encouragement that I really needed. I hadn’t known that they had been sent before I went to the morning appointment. God knew that I needed to feel loved and cared for, and that I was not alone. This lifted my heart, so I praised God and began to read them. Cheri’s text included an excerpt from her “Jesus Calling” devotional for June 12, or yesterday.

“Let me help you – you will get through this day – one way is to moan and groan”…. (or you can) “Thank me for each problem you encounter and watch to see how I transform trials into blessings” This got my attention, so I went ahead and looked up the Bible verses given next to this reading. “Jesus Calling” is just a book….not really Him. To know what message Jesus had for me, I needed to read His word and understand what only He could tell me through the Holy Spirit. Of course, I read as far as He led me!

In 1 Corinthians 10:10, God reminded me of the 5 million Israelites who walked through the sea under the cloud of God’s protection…and ALL passed through the waters to dry land. Verse 13 says “No temptation has overtaken you except such is common to man.” Yes, cancer is very common. It is a common fear! “But God is faithful – who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation (all the fear) He will also make the way of escape that you may be able to bear it.” God would help me wade through the fear. The escape from fear – that is something that God would provide, too. He reminded me that the opposite of fear is HOPE. With God’s strength, I can bear all things! He gives us hope.

I looked up the next verse given, which was Luke 1:79. “God gives light (direction and hope) to those who sit in darkness (screaming in fear) and the shadow of death (cancer), to guide our feet into the way of peace (He would be guiding me and I did not need to fear).”

When God speaks, I believe He speaks clearly and directly, at least most of the time. The problem is usually with me. You see, I often won’t sit down with him to give Him a chance to speak. I don’t give myself time to listen to Him. This time was different, my friend had opened the door. God invited me in to sit down, listen, and then I could feel His encouragement.

My daughter, she’s not me…but you bet that I’ll cheer her on!

I know that my daughter listened to my advice, but she just chose to do something different. She made a move different from the one I would have done. I have to remember that she is not me. Her choice, whether it was…forward, backward, sideways… whatever way… it was HER move. She has been making responsible choices in HER game of life…. and all I can do is watch from the sidelines. I believe in her and I know that she CAN do this! She is now woman who is making her own decisions. After all, she is an adult going somewhere….yes, she is paving HER way!

As a mother, all I can do is observe. I watch and wonder what her next move will be. Of course, as any parent … I will judge, cringe, cry, applaud, celebrate, brag, get excited, and nervously anticipate her every move. Most of all, I will pray, because that is something that I can DO! Seriously, praying is what I have always done and must continue doing for her.

Not so long ago, I was her teacher, her support, and her guide. Now I am her cheerleader and retired coach. It is so easy to forget that she is no longer under my wing of protection. She is no longer my charge, or my student. I have a hard time realizing that she no longer wants my advice. Honestly, I’m not sure that I know how to give her support without bits of advice! I must accept this is new reality. She does not want or need my advice on her next move. This is just something every parent must recognize… when their child is an adult, or ready to go on their own.

The time has come for her solo flight! I wistfully hope that she’ll do better than I did at her age! In many ways, she has already done better! Her choices have been different, but her options have been different, perhaps better. Her life has been better, I hope. More than anything, she does life differently…and much different than I taught her. The truth is that she IS different. She is my daughter, but she is NOT me. I realize that she’s going to make some mistakes, because I did. More than likely, she is going to make some of the same mistakes. However, she is already better than me at many things. This is something that I love too see! This is what I anticipate as I look forward to watching my daughter live HER life!

My adult child is doing it her way, making her own moves, and teaching me new things as she lives life fully. I hope she’ll notice me smiling proudly, just as I used to do when she was little. All I want is for my daughter to feel at peace with all she does.

On Submitting…and the Desires of Your Heart…

Homeschooling was a “calling” for me. As for my husband, God called him a couple of years later. Waiting on God to call my husband was a serious lesson in marital submission, which has been an ongoing lesson in my life. Coming from a long line of fierce women, I have yet to master submission, even after 35 years of marriage! I write this to impress the importance of respecting your husband’s role as the spiritual leader of the family. Even if you feel that God has called you to do something. Wait, on the Lord’s perfect timing!
This happened back when I was a brand-new Christian, fresh from the apron strings of Bible Study Fellowship, and at a turning point in my life. I was a busy mom with two young daughters that kept me hopping between babysitters and nannies. My heart was ready to stay home, because I was pregnant with our third child. I had been working in my husband’s dental office and chipping away at classes at WSU to finish my college degree. When Mark and I married, I uprooted my life to move to Wichita. I had been making friends with his friends, and as I met their wives, I noticed most had careers or one to fall back on. This left me with a hard choice, whether to continue broadening my options while helping my husband expand his business, or be a stay home mom. My desire to homeschool had been growing, so I was praying for direction.
To be honest, I really hoped Mark would expand the office. The idea had not occurred to him, since I tend to be the dreamer of “the next big thing”. One night I could not sleep, so I got up and found some blueprint paper. (No, I didn’t just have it on hand… this was premeditated.) I spent a few hours, while everyone was in bed, drawing up a design to-scale of what could be done with the extra space next-door to his office. (No, the space was not available yet… but I knew it would be perfect!) The next day, something told me to hide the blueprint from Mark. (Maybe it was the verse that says, “The heart of her husband safely trusts in her, so that he shall have no lack of gain”.) A short time later, the office space became available! Thank you God, just as I thought! I prayed for the right words, and casually mentioned to Mark…the extra space would sure be great.
Of course, Mark couldn’t see how it would work, or what he would do with all that space. That’s when I, his better half, stepped in. Well, dear husband dear…Voila! I whipped out the blueprint scroll and spread it out on the table. I was so proud of my great idea! Mark simply stood there, not saying a word. He shook his head in disbelief. With some embarrassment, I looked at him, scratched my head and smiled, “Well, I was just sayin….”
Yes, God was at work in our growing family, listening to our prayers and teaching us lessons in marriage and finances. Did I mention that we were involved with Crown Ministries Financial Bible Study? The main goal in Crown is to avoid going into debt. I had a lot to pray about (and a lot to learn)! Was it God’s will for Mark to expand the business, and go into debt? Did God want me to continue to work outside the home? Or was it God’s will for me to stay home? Was I meant to homeschool? As I prayed, I laid out a “fleece” for the Lord to give me a sign. I prayed, “Lord, if you want me to stay home, then you will let me know.”
Meanwhile, Mark had contractors look at my plans and draw up their own. They gave him estimates as he talked to bankers. Mark called me from the office the same week that I had laid out “my fleece prayer”. I remember his voice, it sounded grave and seriously sad. He slowly explained why he just could not go into debt. I could tell that he really didn’t want to let me down. But my answer was easy, “Of course, honey, I understand.” And I really did understand. God had given me the sign I asked for! For a moment, I was disappointed, but that soon changed to a feeling of anticipation. I knew that God’s plans would be better!
During the wait, I had been teaching our two daughters to read and do simple math problems. (I knew God had called me, so I was not going to sit on my hands while I was still waiting for Mark!) I also volunteered at my daughter’s public school the first semester, while she was in first grade. The next semester, my husband got involved with the PTA with a group of men. All the time, I prayed and prayed and prayed. I knew that God was at work behind the scenes, even while I was crying my eyes out, and praying. Truly, I did not pester my husband, but the next year I did ask him to go to the kindergarten round-up, when it was time for our second daughter.
At the parent meeting, my husband asked the kindergarten teacher what she hoped to accomplish during the year of kindergarten. “Reading preparedness and simple math problems,” was her happy answer. (Our daughter was already doing both.) That night, to my surprise, Mark came home and announced that he had decided that we should homeschool! It was already August! This meant not just Kindergarten, but 2nd grade too! Mind you, I had no curriculum, and now we had and a toddler son to keep me busy too, but I was mentally prepared to get going! Friends had told me to “Be careful of what you pray for!” Let me pass this on to you! And, yes, wait on the Lord’s perfect timing! Be assured that it will not happen on your timeline, but God will answer your prayer in a way he chooses to bless you.
Incidentally, the commercial landlord had a hard time leasing out the space next door to Mark’s dental office. Knowing that Mark wanted the space, the landlord made a low offer that Mark couldn’t refuse! With the help from his dad (who had built his first house) and Mark’s handy brother, and my awesome blueprint plan… they created a perfectly great and very affordable office expansion. Yes, God will give you the desires of your heart.

Scripture to consider:
Psalms 27:14; 33:20; 37:3-7, 34; 40:1; 59:9; 62:1,5; 130:5-6
Lamentations 3:24-26; Micah 7:7
Proverbs 31:11-12
Judges 6: 36-40

Leaning on God’s Understanding

The question keeps returning…”Why? Why, Lord? Why did you allow that to happen?” You see, I believe God is all powerful, all-knowing, ever-present and full of compassion. So why would God allow such a tragic accident? A single-car accident (only theirs was involved) took the life of a vibrant young woman from our church, and her husband. Evidently, their truck lost control and hit the only tree to be seen on that Kansas road… head-on. This happened the day after they were married at the courthouse!

Now, I was regretting the past few times that I had missed my quiet times with the Lord. Instead of going directly to God, I was wandering through my house, refusing to meet with Him. I really needed to sit down and be still, to pray for answers. Instead, I was dragging my feet around in circles. My heart knew He was patiently waiting near my empty chairs. Two empty, red swivel armchairs faced the fireplace, or turned to look out the back door onto the sunny back porch. That was our usual meeting place, without a specified time, which was the problem. I needed Him, and He was near, but I hadn’t drawn near.

The enemy had been busy all morning, filling my thoughts with negativity, or side-tracking me with cooking and cleaning instead of surrendering to God. So of course, when I finally decided to walk towards the spot, I stepped into a puddle of water leaking from the dishwasher. Water was all over our fairly new dark hardwood floor. I swabbed that up and tried to sit down again, pushing away my worries about a broken dishwasher. I had only read one sentence before I spilled a full glass of water all over my books! Really, Lord? I stopped again, and mopped that up, too! That’s when I threw the towel in the sink and cried out loud, “Okay, I surrender!” God had my attention. I would be quiet and listen.

I sat down and opened a devotional. one that I open for a quick word. I decided to look at yesterday’s reading, or the one for August 7th, the day I learned of Bekah’s death. And God spoke. “Understanding will never bring you peace. That’s why I have instructed you to trust Me, not in your understanding.” Amen!

There were verses to look up. Proverbs 3:5-6; Romans 5:1; 2 Thessalonians 3:16. The devotional closed with a promise, “My Peace is not an elusive goal, hidden at the center of some complicated maze. Actually, you are always enveloped in Peace, which is inherent in My Presence. As you look to Me, you gain awareness of this precious Peace.” The writer of the devotional had taken the liberty to speak as if God was speaking… but it was what my heart needed… to draw near.

Reading in Romans, I found “we have access by faith into this grace by which we stand…..and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.” Trust in God. Have faith, experience peace. Yes, absolutely! Faith is something that I must hold onto. Faith is all I have that gives me the hope of glory. Faith is something Bekah shared daily in the way she lived. Because of her unwavering faith, even at her young age of 19, she will rest in glory, beside her husband, with the Lord in heaven forever. Faith is what she shared in her death, because God’s will was so apparent.

As I have said before in my blog, “With God’s grace, acceptance finds understanding”! But how? Only through faith. Faith gives us access to this grace! Faith allows us to accept the hard things, the solid answers to questions we ask God. Faith helps us to accept His answers, because we believe that God can only do what is good, and will do what He deems right for those he loves.

Jesus told his disciples, “In this world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” The next thing he said was “Father, the hour has come. Glorify Your Son, that Your Son also may glorify You…” And then, Jesus was then arrested, betrayed, and crucified. But be of good cheer? Yes, that is what He told them! Cheer up, I have overcome! And He said this before he died for us!

Faith overcomes stuff like the accident, or anything that overwhelms us. Faith gives us the confidence to believe, and to hope for God’s answers. After having my quiet time, nothing had really changed, but my hope in God had, in effect, caused me to be lifted above the overwhelming flood of emotions. Through the grace of the Lord Jesus, I felt a saving grace from the overwhelming flood of tears! His grace poured out, like that glass of water, all over me.

My friend, that is the power of prayer, and the power of God’s grace. Only through His grace, will I hold onto the hope that gives me. Through His grace, I will experience peace. Psalm 71….Therefore, I will have hope.

With God’s grace, acceptance finds understanding.

The Great Compensator: Like it or not…making me this way pleased God.

The heart surgeon said I compensated beautifully. The referring cardiologist agreed. They exchanged some medical jargon, discussing the battery of tests and nodded in agreement. The test results pleased them. All I could say is …now what? More always follows.

In the early 1960’s, during the dark ages of open heart surgery, I had a Tetralogy of Fallot repair. I was in the Cleveland Clinic Hospital for 2 months and survived two open-heart surgeries. After the first surgery, I contracted a staph infection, then pneumonia, and then what they called “drug fever”. All medications were taken away and a second surgery was necessary. By some miracle, I lived to talk about it!

Post-tramatic-stress-disorder is something a lot of people face for different reasons. I’m afraid of appointments for “check-ups” like I described. When the doctors were sharing their final diagnosis, I didn’t want to hear the inevitable. I just wanted to plug my ears and chant la-la-la-la…

My whole life, I’ve lived with this can of worms in my chest. It’s been nothing but problems… every time a cardiologist examines me. The doctor remind me of a bird hunting for worms. The cold stethoscope hops around on my bare chest, while the doc is busy listening, cocking their head from side to side. The bird stops to listen, then goes on hunting in another spot, intent on finding a worm…a sound that will make them dig further.

No matter how still I lay, I know they’ll find the worms. This cardiologist, with very little expression, simply said that my heart appeared “to compensate very well”. I wasn’t terribly happy to hear this, because I felt ambivalent. I was on the verge of being kind of… pathetic. Compensating was an unfair a label of mediocrity!

This heart problem is a hidden disability. Most people don’t realize I have an unnaturally deformed heart that is hidden inside me, doing its very best to keep me alive. I’ve always looked physically able and healthy, so it’s been easy to pass as better than average. Besides that, I have high personal expectations, so the reality of having a disability isn’t easy to accept. When surgery became a distant memory, I had become rebellious. I liked living on the edge. I could do anything anyone else could do!

The problem with refusing to accept the truth is…. it makes it easier to listen to lies. I followed the whispers inside my head that told me that God had been unfair to make me this way. These lies caused me question God’s love, and even blame God! After all, He dealt me this bad hand in life!

Coping with a birth defect has been no small thing! My physical challenges meant a lifetime of not being able to compete in sports. Learning to be content was a daily test. Ultimately, acceptance demanded a leap of faith. I needed to open my arms and embrace my disability. Acceptance meant receiving this gift of life, that God had give to me as the miracle it is… with the imperfections that a perfect God chose to give me. I had to accept the way God made me, rather than bitterly rue the way I wish I would have been made. I had to learn to be content.

For a long time, my ego obstinately told me, just because I had to live with this shortcoming didn’t mean I had to like it. But by refusing to embrace the truth, I was rejecting the peace God offers. The emptiness was like a huge chasm that needed to be filled. I searched for something, anything, to fill that empty hole. Fortunately, as I searched, God led me to learn to love and accept myself the way He had made me. This meant accepting the truth, or the reality of my disability. When I embraced the truth, I found peace with God.

There is a saying, “The truth will set you free”. Trusting God takes a leap of faith. A while back, a pastor drew a picture that showed me the importance of Christ. In the picture of the cross, he explained that the horizontal beam of the cross is like a bridge. On one side is our inherit sinfulness, while the other side is God’s holiness. The vertical beam, intersecting the bridge, shows how low a high God will stoop to reach down to man. This is how much God loves us! It’s why He sent His Son to be our advocate. Jesus came to teach us how to make peace with God. On the cross, Jesus died to fill the emptiness in my heart, to heal the spiritual hole in my heart and make me whole!

Until this hole in my heart healed, trying to make sense of why God allowed such a “huge mistake” in me, left me feeling cheated. I lived each day with a self-loathing and bitterness towards the long “zipper” down the middle of my chest. This bitterness festered as long as I refused to accept the inimitable way God had made me. God says, “See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up….” (Hebrews 12:15) Once the ugly root of bitterness begins to grow, it is a hard thing to get rid of.

Acceptance goes hand-in-hand with surrendering. Surrendering to God is the only way to gain victory over bitterness. Some things we simply cannot change, but we can change the way we see ourselves. In time, our hearts can accept the truth, overcome the lies, and let us see the good God has done. Years of whining why me, led nowhere until the notion struck me… it was a wonder that God chose to make me at all! Evidently, God has a special plan for me, my disability was really a gift of life! Over time, I’ve discovered amazing “coincidences” relating to my heart repairs that have turned my “luck” into life!

Now it makes perfect sense, because “I am fearfully and wonderfully made”! (Psalm 139:15) Learning that my heart has compensated very well now fills me with hope! At the follow-up appointment, a heart surgeon said that I would not need a pulmonary valve replacement at this time. He smiled and restated, “She compensates beautifully, so we can wait. That moment still resonates!

Fifty years later, and after getting a new pulmonary valve, I understand the beauty of simply compensating! With God’s grace, I am able to show real gratitude, pay it forward, and express that being alive is enough. There is satisfaction in merely compensating! But, this new level of grace required me to overcome my bitterness. To accept my limitations. And to stop competing for my spot in the foot races of life. I am comfortable knowing that I have not been disqualified…especially in God’s eyes!

I know that God has marvelous plans for me, for all of us! He alone is able to compensate for our weaknesses because his grace is made perfect in weakness. His grace is sufficient for you and me. Simply accept the truth…God is The Great Compensator! With Him we have enough. He alone is sufficient! (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

Written in February 1994, and rewritten, and rewritten…