June 13, 2020
The morning of the appointment, I dressed for confidence. Maybe I could face the doctor with courage. All week, I had been praying, but not sleeping well. By the day of the appointment, I was exhausted. Since important question needed to be asked, my husband accompanied me to be an extra set of ears. I felt his support as we listened to all the information we were given. Nonetheless, when the appointment was over, as we walked to our car, I felt my insides screaming, “Is that all?” Anger filled me until I realized that it was really fear. Fear whispered, “What just happened? Was that was you expected? Now we have to wait all weekend for a word?” The fearful questions created doubt, and the doubt let anxiety take over.
I had hoped this appointment would tell me more about the diagnosis of endometrial cancer. But I left the doctor’s office, feeling deflated. We met, we shared information, but now all I could do was wait for the office to get back with me. This much anticipated appointment was over and I had learned nothing. No surgery date had been discussed. I was told to wait for their next call. Waiting with a diagnosis of cancer is a hopeless feeling. Like hoping for rain while traipsing in the desert, or looking in the sky for sunshine during tornado season in Kansas. I was waiting for hope as cancer corrupted my insides. Meanwhile, as I hoped and waited… the fear and doubt grew with the cancer. This entanglement was eating at me. I had not told our friends and family anything yet, because I wanted something finite to share… like a surgery date!
Instead, all I could share was that I have Stage I Cancer. My husband reminded me of Dr. Morgan’s words. I was lucky. Other patients wished they had what I had. There I sat, mindful that I ought to be content and thankful for a good prognosis, but feeling like exasperated and tired of waiting on God’s timing. The screaming inside subsided. I had to be patient. God reminded me to be patient.
After we got home, I took a good nap, and then woke to find some text messages for me from my daughters and one of their friends, Cheri. This was encouragement that I really needed. I hadn’t known that they had been sent before I went to the morning appointment. God knew that I needed to feel loved and cared for, and that I was not alone. This lifted my heart, so I praised God and began to read them. Cheri’s text included an excerpt from her “Jesus Calling” devotional for June 12, or yesterday.
“Let me help you – you will get through this day – one way is to moan and groan”…. (or you can) “Thank me for each problem you encounter and watch to see how I transform trials into blessings” This got my attention, so I went ahead and looked up the Bible verses given next to this reading. “Jesus Calling” is just a book….not really Him. To know what message Jesus had for me, I needed to read His word and understand what only He could tell me through the Holy Spirit. Of course, I read as far as He led me!
In 1 Corinthians 10:10, God reminded me of the 5 million Israelites who walked through the sea under the cloud of God’s protection…and ALL passed through the waters to dry land. Verse 13 says “No temptation has overtaken you except such is common to man.” Yes, cancer is very common. It is a common fear! “But God is faithful – who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation (all the fear) He will also make the way of escape that you may be able to bear it.” God would help me wade through the fear. The escape from fear – that is something that God would provide, too. He reminded me that the opposite of fear is HOPE. With God’s strength, I can bear all things! He gives us hope.
I looked up the next verse given, which was Luke 1:79. “God gives light (direction and hope) to those who sit in darkness (screaming in fear) and the shadow of death (cancer), to guide our feet into the way of peace (He would be guiding me and I did not need to fear).”
When God speaks, I believe He speaks clearly and directly, at least most of the time. The problem is usually with me. You see, I often won’t sit down with him to give Him a chance to speak. I don’t give myself time to listen to Him. This time was different, my friend had opened the door. God invited me in to sit down, listen, and then I could feel His encouragement.